THE BLIP ON OUR MARITAL RADAR

THE BLIP ON OUR MARITAL RADAR ( A LEGACY STORY)

Have you ever heard people say that someone had begun to believe their own press? I came to have a personal and very clear understanding of the meaning of that saying.

I had worked hard and been completely devoted to the needs of the homeless and mentally ill in our community. I felt compelled to help them in a way I saw no one else doing. I had gone to Menninger's to the first ever conference devoted to dual diagnosis of both Mentally Ill and Mentally Retarded. I presented my idea on solving the housing issue for these patients after they were allowed to return to the community to some psychiatrists in a private meeting.

Often the failures of the patients was not due to the diseases or disability , but the failure of the system which lost their social security checks, turned them out to unscrupulous landlords, and sometimes insensitive and overworked social services agencies that seemingly didn't have the time, dedication or training to advocate for them.

When the experts applauded my plan they said it should be implemented. Finding anyone else to agree was harder. They all either wanted such an undertaking to be federally funded or they wanted someone to do it that had PHD's and degrees out the wazoo thinking that would ensure success.

But, what I saw was a plan which was so simple anyone could do it; individuals, churches, concerned mental health groups or family advocate group. Establishing a working model to illustrate the viability of the program seemed the only solution.

The problem for me was in the timing. My husband and I were at a time when we were about to experience the "empty nest syndrome" in our house. My husband was going through changes in his personal work in the school. He had made a decision to begin separating himself from coaching was also traumatic as it had lent itself as a personal outlet for stress. Sports had been his personal passion and love.

For me ,I was in a full blown midlife crisis which was truly physical as well as emotional. I had to have a complete hysterectomy to correct problems of many years duration. After healing the physical pain and problems were subsiding, but the feeling of being free from pain had liberated me. I felt like I could take on the world and achieve anything I chose too. And, I "believed my press". Believed that I was the only one who could compete project. I knew it would take all of my devotion to the issues and my time ,but I had to be the one to do it.

My housing project for the special need people began to dominate my every thought and effort. Free from the daily care of my children I was exhilarated . I could come and go as desired. My dreams could become my reality. I now could find an additional purpose for my life.

Sadly as I branched out my husband withdrew more into our home life. His plan was for me to be home and mine was to finally see and do things I had not yet had time to do. I longed to go back to the theatre, enjoy music concerts .and laughing with friends. We were two people in conflict. We were two stubborn Okies in conflict and that's a whole lot more more serious. And then there was the ultimatum. Him or the project.

Going separate directions and doing our own thing became our way of life. It would prove disastrous in the beginning, as we would would cause each other pain. And ,in the end ,we would end up divorced.

There was never a time I envisioned remarrying anyone else. There was never a time, my husband says, when he considered himself divorced. When I moved out, he helped me move. When my parents were told of our decisions they began to tirade and condemn me. My husband stood by me saying that it was our marriage,our divorce and they had no say or decision in it. Further, he instructed them to leave me alone. He reminded them our marriage twenty seven years before was between us.

As always when my husband spoke, it was the last word. Even my mother did not buck my husband. They had a special bond and she considered him her friend. He was almost her only friend as she passed her last years in a near invalid state. As for my husband, he had never forgotten the first time he and my mother met. In the present day vernacular, "she had him at hello".

My parents had arrived in Oklahoma for our impromptu,interrupted, elopement. My mother would "preside" over our church wedding which my mother had dictated would take place ignoring our desire to elope. My family had a harrowing night of driving in a glare ice blizzard to attend our wedding. My parents had come straight to our apartment where we were waiting for them.

My soon to be husband was very nervous and I was a wreck. My mother had been a dominant figure in my life forever and now I had stood up to her for the first time refusing to put off the wedding my fiance' and I had planned. She and my stepdad were about to arrive and meet this man I could not live without for the very first time.

When my mother and stepdad married he took his fatherly duties seriously. I was "his girl" and thought the sun rose and set on him. We were used to the mutual admiration society being just the two of us. Hearing I was getting married had really sent him reeling. To say he was not happy and feeling very rejected would be a major understatement.

When my parents entered the apartment it was the test of the century where we were concerned. We had no idea what to expect or what reaction would take place. But we were each surprised by a different thing.

My husband was shocked when my mother walked in and made a bee line for him. She grabbed him around the neck with one hand and planted a kiss on him saying welcome to the family. He was shocked and very overwhelmed. But to this day he has never forgotten her willingness to give him a chance.It sealed a bond that endured.

But,as pleasant as it was for him is how hard it was for me. My stepdad walked in and went to the far side of the room. No greeting, no hug and no hand shake for the new son-in-law to be. This would remain his approach until the next day at the wedding when he finally,in the spirit of,"for the sake of the new in-laws" exuded congeniality.

The relationships of parents and children are never the same after the child marries, but I think that is why the Bible makes sure to instruct us about "forsaking all others and cleve only to each other". Lord knows we both tried to make it a reciprocal and congenial inlaw relationship, but at times both sets of parents had made it very difficult for us. We found ourselves like pawns in the middle.

Now, in the time of our most promising years, we had hit a stalemate. It would take five years to go full circle and work out our individual dilemmas. And ,when we did, there were some issues that stood out as much improved and much better. For instance, in my long drawn out counseling sessions before the divorce and our very brief shared counseling before the divorce, it had been established that in our marriage my husband had ,without design or intention, began to "parent" me. I eventually reacted to him as I did my parents when they had dominated my life. I headed for the hills. But, I also sought appropriate goals and projects that would fill my life with positive strokes and give me an added dimension of pride.

So, after all of this turmoil my ex-husband ask me to remarry him. People were amazed as most couples never remarry successfully. My parents took the stance that they never believed we were divorced in the first place. Our children were beyond belief and shock. All of this we accomplished in the most fun way.

When we decided to remarry I was living in another town . My ex had been coming to see me for visits on a pretty frequent basis. Actually you could say we were dating. It was kind of fun and when we'd run into new friends I had made, I'd be hard put to know how to introduce him. I would stammer, not wanting to call him my ex-husband as that had such negative connotations. And since they were my friends they might automatically assume bad things about him knowing I had divorced him .

"Hi, I'm her boyfriend" he would say, sticking out his hand.

And when we remarried we took to calling each other by our middle names. Sometimes I would talk about the jerk my first husband was and go on and on before anyone caught on that it was one and the same person.

We decided to keep our remarriage quiet for a while so we could enjoy just being together. We wanted to avoid negative comments and opinions from insensitive and ill-informed people. Especially family. But we realized this couldn't go on forever if we were ever going to live together again.

I called my ex-brother-in-law and told him. I asked him if he'd missed me and fortunately he had. He put together the first ever family reunion to be held in the summer in our home state. We told no one the real purpose of the reunion.
Under his great leadership the reunion grew to be very big brought in people from many states. Some we'd never met or my husband hadn't seen since childhood.

When my husband and I had actually remarried we had such fun with it. We had finally eloped as we had wanted to do more than thirty years before in college. The hilarious part was that we chose April Fools' Day as our wedding date. We were married by a justice of the peace in a small town that housed our state mental institution. Forever afterward, I would tell people that we thought it was so crazy to remarry we thought we should be near a mental institution in case someone found out and wanted commit us.

At the reunion we enjoyed all our children being present and it wasn't until the last evening that my brother-in-law hosted a big dinner for everyone. He waited until the end then stood up for an announcement.

We had bought a camcorder and had it trained on our children so they could be caught on film when they heard the news we'd remarried. They never suspected a thing.

My brother in law, a confirmed bachelor has someone who has been his significant other for years. She was at the reunion having come from California. When he had a wedding cake wheeled in they all thought he was going to announce their marriage. When he announced ours, it was worth all the effort we had made to surprise them. The three children were seated together and they all went to smile and then suddenly they stopped and begin to accuse each other of having known about it and not told the other. We really laughed and enjoyed having them "go at it". In truth none of them knew but they were thrilled to have us back together.

It's now been twelve years since the remarriage, forty five since the original wedding. We have learned to give and take and the second time has been a time of so much determination not to allow our differences in life interests separate us. I rarely miss a football game and he watches a few chick flicks. We've traveled a little more and we have definitely made efforts to grow together.

It was a dangerous and reckless risk to divorce. Most couples who move out on each other do not return. For us the vows and the commitments made all those years ago both in college and in our remarriage, remain burned into our consciousness and we do not take lightly the promise of God to bless those who serve Him .

My husband will tell you I grew as a person and there was some "getting used to" when I came back very independent. I had once visited him at his school during our separation to get his signature on some legal papers. I overheard a school secretary say, "that can't be his wife. I met her years ago. She was a long haired, cookie baking Sunday school teacher type." I was walking out of the school in my red power suit, highlighted stylish shoulder length hair, and headed to a political event where I was a candidate for city council.

I came back into our marriage determined to enrich his life, give up some of my compulsive obsessive desires for our house, and make us have a marriage that was truly about each other. Our pact with each other when we remarried was to grow old together and to love each other in the end.

I have everything I have bargained for and more. I have a legacy of love.